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Born First, Built Different: Birth Order and the Roots of Avoidant Attachment

As an eldest daughter within a South-Asian household, I have grown up as someone who my younger siblings can look up to, someone who is responsible and, from the outside, someone who looks as if I have it ‘all together’. However, with this responsibility there is often an underlying pattern of hyper-independence, shaped by having to grow up faster than peers and feeling a constant pressure to be the ‘perfect’ example for my younger siblings. 


Within my household, I have been seen as a ‘second mother’ to my siblings from a very young age; being the eldest daughter was not merely a title, but a responsibility I carried. This universal experience is often referred to colloquially as ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’, a term used to describe characteristics of hyper-independence, perfectionism, and having a caring and empathetic nature (Clinic, 2024). Like many others, who have shared similar experiences on social media platforms such as TikTok, I have reflected on how birth order may influence different areas of life, particularly romantic relationships and attachment style.


So what does this mean and how can something as simple as your birth order have such a detrimental impact on your attachment style? In this two-part blog series, I explore my experience as the eldest daughter in a South Asian household and how it has shaped my avoidant attachment style. In the first blog, I examine the concept of 'Eldest Daughter Syndrome', unpack attachment theory in more depth, and reflect on how avoidant patterns have shown up in both my platonic and romantic relationships. 


Cultural Expectations and the Weight of Birth Order

Growing up as an eldest daughter within a South-Asian household, there was always that underlying pressure to be the ‘perfect’ example to my younger siblings and care for them as if they were my own. I was always referred to as the child that my parents did not have to worry about as I naturally got on with things independently and was applauded for being naturally ‘self-reliant’. However, as the years have gone on, I have realised how constantly being the person that my younger siblings could fully rely on whilst navigating life as a child/young adult has really impacted my adult life in a negative way. 


Many women from similar backgrounds have expressed feelings like those I shared earlier in this blog. Historically, within my culture, women in South-Asian households are expected to manage large families, including extended relatives, without complaint, placing the needs of others before their own. Growing up in a household where my mother worked as a housewife for most of her life and serving others was all that she knew and all that she was taught to do. This responsibility was subconsciously passed down to me with the idea that we should work to serve others and push our needs to the side for the sake of others. This perception on how South-Asian women should be and what being an eldest daughter within a South-Asian family means shaped my upbringing. For me, this made it difficult to accept care and love from others, fostering hyper-independent tendencies as well as maintaining emotional distance in romantic relationships to avoid getting hurt or losing control. 


Many eldest daughters who take on a “second mother” role for their siblings often carry huge amounts of responsibilities from a very young age, which can  make them have to grow up much earlier than expected. In many cases, particularly among those placed in highly independent roles from an early age, such as caregiving responsibilities for younger siblings and even acting as emotional support figures for parents, this can contribute to the development of an avoidant attachment style. Individuals may begin to avoid seeking help as a result of reinforced hyper-independence. This can stem from experiences such as parental neglect or reduced emotional support, especially when a child is perceived as the one who has always ‘got on with it’. Over time, the expectation of self-sufficiency can discourage help-seeking behaviours and shape patterns of emotional distance in later relationships (Clinic, 2024).


So how did being the eldest daughter within a South-Asian household impact my relationships, both platonic and romantically? 


As I take a look at my adult friendships, I notice that many of my close friends come from similar backgrounds and also are the eldest daughters in their families to which they have undergone similar childhood experiences that have made them into the people that they are today. 


You may view this as very ‘expected’ as a result of the ‘you are what you attract’ concept, but I wanted to discuss this on a deeper level and explain why I believe this to be the case. I believe that the friendships you build in life should be able to understand you and relate to you on a deeper level to allow that friendship to flourish, and so, the friends that I have now, as a result of them experiencing similar things, understand the way that I am and we work to provide each other with the validation that we have always wanted growing up. 


We do this by recognising and taking note of how much we do as individuals within our families and wider networks, and work to uplift one another as an empowering network of women who support each other because we understand each other across a much deeper level.


While I naturally formed platonic relationships with people from similar backgrounds who understood me on a deeper level, I began to notice the significant impact my attachment style had on my romantic relationships in adulthood as it has directly influenced how open I am to accepting love from my partner and how I respond as the relationship deepens. I’ve come to believe that romantic relationships have a way of bringing out parts of you that you thought had already healed, due to the intimacy and the intensity of the emotions they evoke. I will discuss this further in part two of this blog series where I hope to provide actionable advice on how to heal from an avoidant attachment style to allow you to develop deeper and safer romantic or platonic relationships.


What Is Attachment Theory and What Does It Mean From a Psychological Perspective?

The way in which I would define “attachment” would be a deep closeness towards something or someone whether that may be a person, a situation or even a feeling. Developing an attachment towards something, to me, exists as a deep longing to be around something or someone as a result of strong emotions around a specific thing that allows you to feel deeply connected to it. 


Within this blog we are going to discuss what attachments are, how they form and the scope within attachments according to larger theoretical concepts such as the attachment theory. The attachment theory acts as a wider psychological framework for understanding emotional bonds and relationships between people, objects or even situations. It focuses on understanding early attachment patterns that form in childhood and how such patterns can influence trust, intimacy, and behaviour in adult romantic relationships (Cherry, 2025).


So, let’s expand on this by taking a deep-dive into early childhood attachment patterns and discuss how these initial patterns can really shape the attachments you build later on in your adulthood. 


“Attachments” act as deep emotional bonds that connect you with others. The earliest example of where attachments are formed often occur between the infant and their primary caregiver(s) (Cherry, 2025). From an evolutionary perspective, these attachments form between the infant and their caregiver(s) to increase their chance of survival through keeping them close to one another, and so with this, children are born with an innate drive to form attachments to caregivers (Mcleod, 2025). Although, from birth infants possess a deep, instinctive need for their caregivers, the quality and type of attachment that develops is shaped by how caregivers respond to their needs as well as the consistency, sensitivity, and emotional availability they provide (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, 2021). For example, caregivers who are available and responsive to the child’s needs fosters a sense of security within the child and therefore, the child learns that the caregiver is dependable which in turn, creates a secure base or something more widely known a secure attachment style for the child to explore the world freely and securely (Cherry, 2025).


Four Main Patterns of Attachment According to Ainsworth, Main and Solomon

With this and discussing how attachments form between infants and their associated caregivers, we are able to understand how they form, but how do they differ? 


The attachment theory was initially developed by child psychiatrist John Bowlby during the 1930s whereby, through his clinical work, he began to understand the connections between early separations from the mother more deeply and the subsequent maladjustments this made (Mcleod, 2025). From this and the observations he made within his clinical work, he was able to understand and highlight the idea that children did experience large amounts of separation anxiety when they do not receive both comfort and security for their caregivers despite their physical needs such as physical nourishment being met (Mcleod, 2025). 


Based on the initial concept of attachment theory discovered by Bowlby, psychologist Mary Ainsworth was able to further build upon this by conducting experiments to measure the attachment relationships between infants and their caregivers, more typically their mothers (Mcleod, 2025). These experiments particularly looked at the infant’s key behaviours such as how confidently the infant explores their reactions to their caregiver leaving, the infant's response to a stranger and their behaviours upon reunion with their caregiver. The results of this experiment led to the understanding and discovery of the four main attachments styles which are described in greater detail below:


  1. Secure Attachment - most common type with 55% prevalence across the whole UK population (Elliott, 2022b)


Secure attachments are formed when children are able to depend on their caregivers. They are seen to show distress when separated from them and great happiness when they are reunited, but will also have strong confidence that they will return. When such infants are frightened or scared, they readily seek comfort from their caregivers without hesitation. And so, caregivers who provide a secure base allow their infants to become autonomous, inquisitive and experimental through the reassurance that the infant feels in the availability of their attachment figure in times of stress, meaning that they are more likely to interact with others and their environment (Mcleod, 2025).


  1. Anxious Attachment -  8% of the whole population (Elliott, 2022b)


Anxious attachments are formed when parental availability is inconsistent or limited. In these situations, the child may feel that they cannot depend on their primary caregiver/s when they need them and seem to become very anxious if they leave (Cherry, 2025).


  1. Avoidant Attachment - 23% of the whole population display this attachment style (Elliott, 2022b)


Avoidant attachments are formed when children learn to avoid parents or caregivers. This may occur as a result of abusive or neglectful relationships with caregivers, or when children are punished for relying on them. As a result, the child may learn to avoid seeking help in the future through avoidant attachment tendencies. These may include dismissive behaviours including being self-reliant and being emotionally detached - all of which will be discussed further within part two of the blog (Cherry, 2025). For example, within my current relationship, I find myself struggling to readily accept help or support from others as a result of my hyper-independence as an eldest daughter. 


Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, Mary Main and Judith Solomon in 1986 discovered that there was a proportion of infants who did not fit in the three attachment styles described above based on the behaviours seen in the experiments conducted by Ainsworth; secure, anxious and avoidant (Mcleod, 2025). They had categorised these infants as having a disorganised attachment style which can be explained in greater detail below:


  1. Disorganised attachment - 15% of the whole population display this attachment style (Elliott, 2022b)


Disorganised attachments form as a result of inconsistent caregiver behaviour. This is characterised by children displaying a confused or inconsistent behaviour toward their caregiver. They may both avoid and resist their caregiver/s as they are seen as both a source of comfort and fear, leading to disorganised behaviour and attachment styles (Cherry, 2025).


Factors That Influence Attachment Styles

As an eldest daughter within a South-Asian household, I always work to always prioritise others, put others needs before my own and have always been referred to as the child who always ‘just got on with it’. These experiences led me to develop avoidant attachment tendencies in the form of being self-reliant and dismissive behaviours which made it difficult for me to accept love from others. 


There are several factors, specifically childhood factors, that come into play when determining an individual’s attachment style. Some of these include:


  • Children who lack permanent primary caregivers such as those who are raised in orphanages, foster care as they may fail to develop trust needed to form attachments  (Cherry, 2025).

  • Parental mental health difficulties such as postpartum depression, anxiety, PTSD and bipolar disorder, to name a few

  • Parents being separated from the infant just after birth (e.g. if the baby has received neonatal care) (NSPCC, 2021)

  • Bereavement or loss of a caregiver that the infant had an attachment with (NSPCC, 2021)


Conclusion

For those who may share similar experiences to me or those who come from similar backgrounds, our childhood experiences do have the ability to affect how we form attachments with others but, this should not be seen as shameful or embarrassing. 


Whilst there may be this stigma towards avoidant attachment individuals across social media and wider communities, it is important to note that our attachment styles do not define us and we do have the ability to heal from our childhood experiences to open our hearts to love and care from others. 


It is important to note that this blog is part of a two-part series whereby, within this, we have introduced attachment styles and how the Eldest Daughter Effect can result in many women having avoidant attachment issues and we hope to provide realistic advice and help for those experiencing this to allow us to heal and progress within the area of relationships in the second blog of this series. 


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This article was written by Riya Verma and edited by Clarise Castleman, with graphics produced by Suzana Sultan. If you enjoyed this article, be the first to be notified about new posts by signing up to become a WiNUK member (top right of this page)! Interested in writing for WiNUK yourself? Contact us through the blog page and the editors will be in touch.


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