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From Hyper-Independent to Secure: Healing Avoidant Attachment 

Within the second blog of this two-part blog series, I hope to deepen your understanding of avoidant attachment styles, help you understand how such styles may present themselves, and, in particular, understand the effect that they can have across romantic relationships.


This blog will also focus on how I have effectively utilised self-help resources to better understand why I feel certain things, how I notice my triggers as well as actionable ways in which I personally have tried to heal from this avoidance in order for me to develop healthy, safe relationships both platonically and romantically.  


I have also chosen to include a different perspective within this, whereby, I have asked my long-term partner how he has navigated my avoidant attachment style from his perspective. He has chosen to share advice for partners of those with similar attachment styles to mine on how to support and love their partner based on this but also how to effectively work alongside them upon their healing journey. 


I also think it is important to note that, as someone who has navigated this particular attachment style throughout all of her romantic relationships, I believe it is super important to have a partner who is willing to really understand your avoidant attachment style and to not judge your character based on this. A good partner would see and attempt to understand this behavioural style as a result of childhood trauma and that has the capability to be healed from, resulting in developing a safe and loving romantic relationship. 


Whilst I do believe that navigating your individual attachment style is a deeply personal journey, I am a firm believer that those who are closest to you, whether that may be in a romantic or platonic respect, have the ability to accelerate or severely hinder this healing journey for you. So, for those who may be reading this right now, please prioritise those individuals around you that see you for who you are and for those who do not simply define your character by your attachment style! It is also very important to note that each individual processes trauma differently and so, what may work for one person may not necessarily work for others.


Avoidant Attachment Tendencies


There are several tendencies/behaviours that I now recognise as avoidantly attached behavioural patterns. Despite these behavioural patterns being individual to everyone, some of these include:


  • Self-sabotaging - this involves getting caught up in your own thoughts, particularly when things are going well. Negative thoughts and feelings can begin to override your judgment, leading you to question stability or create problems that weren’t there, and ultimately make decisions that don’t align with your true intentions within the relationship.

  • Dismissive behaviours - this refers to avoiding open conversations about your feelings and thoughts and pulling back when someone you’re emotionally connected to tries to get closer. It can show up as resistance to vulnerability or a tendency to shut down when a relationship begins to deepen.

  • Hyper-independence -  this is the tendency to avoid relying on others, even when support is offered by people who care about you. Independence becomes a protective mechanism, where accepting help feels uncomfortable or like a loss of control, often because vulnerability is associated with weakness rather than trust.


How did avoidant tendencies impact my romantic relationships?


I became consciously aware of my attachment style and how it impacted my romantic relationships when I got into my first healthy romantic relationship. During the early stages of this relationship, I became increasingly aware of my relational patterns, particularly self-sabotaging behaviours and dismissive or avoidant tendencies, which I now recognise as closely aligned with an avoidant attachment style. Through becoming more hypervigilant of these behaviours and examining them more critically, I began to recognise that this attachment style was not incidental, but rooted in earlier childhood experiences. 


These early experiences shaped the way that I approached relationships in adulthood and closely reflect the traits often linked to the ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ mentioned in part 1 of this blog series. This has turned me into someone who does not often rely on others for help or guidance, and means I tend to become emotionally detached and the ‘fixer’ in relationships to avoid focusing on my own emotional needs to prevent myself from getting hurt. This is explained more thoroughly through this episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast - exploring generational patterns and parentification for Eldest Daughters.


So let’s expand on how this avoidant attachment style affected my romantic relationships and how I navigated this. I noticed that, once my relationship started to evolve into a meaningful connection, I began to self-sabotage and close myself off from the connection too early to avoid getting hurt (Clinic, 2024). Whilst this could be a result of past experiences, I sought out self-sabotaging as a defence mechanism to allow myself to feel emotionally safe. It is also important to note that self-sabotaging tendencies do not always have to be big gestures, they can present themselves as slowly disengaging from the relationship or becoming emotionally numb. Even though this is something that I have worked on through being consciously aware of these behaviours and stopping them in their tracks as I know the meaning behind them, it is also very important to understand that working through childhood trauma in the form of managing different attachment styles is a continuous journey and is not something you can change overnight. 


I think one of the most important things that hugely helped me understand my avoidant attachment style has been working closely with those around me and really taking the time to unpack what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. I don’t think people realise how much this kind of growth often requires the support of those close to you. For example, when someone responds to dismissive or avoidant tendencies with patience rather than frustration, it can make a huge difference. Small, consistent expressions of appreciation, even something as simple as “thank you for this”, can really start to shift the dynamic. Over time, that creates a sense of safety and allows for more openness. It becomes a kind of reciprocal change, one that often reflects needs that may not have been met earlier in life in childhood. Through that, you slowly begin to feel more comfortable with connection, rather than pulling away from it - all of which you can understand in greater detail in The Mel Robbins podcast. 


It requires constant work and I want to remind you that please do not beat yourself up if you feel like you are going backwards on this journey. If you can simply be 1% better than yesterday then you are doing amazing!


Ways to Handle Your Avoidant Attachment Style: A Personal Perspective


As someone with an avoidant attachment style who is independent, self-directed and may have a hard time with emotional closeness and intimacy, I have found some ways to manage such avoidant, dismissive tendencies that have allowed me to build secure attachments. Additionally, this has also helped to eradicate the fear of building meaningful and fulfilled romantic relationships. 


  • Learn more about your attachment style with an open heart as simply being aware of these tendencies is the first step towards healing and being able to move towards secure attachments (Gould, 2024).

  • Learn to push past the initial discomfort when trying to change your behaviour and actions towards specific situations and remind yourself that avoidant and dismissive tendencies could potentially stifle a meaningful connection.

  • Learn to practise expressing your emotions such as explaining to your romantic partner why you think you are reacting in a specific way even if this feels uncomfortable, scary or unnatural for you (Gould, 2024). 

    • For example, noticing and writing down the specific times you feel uncomfortable or begin to resist within your relationship. By paying attention to when these emotions arise, you can begin to identify patterns such as specific environments or situations that trigger them and use such insights to better understand why you feel this way in those moments. This hugely helped me in trying to explain to someone else, whether that is a partner or a friend, why I feel certain emotions around specific situations to allow them to understand me on a deeper level in order to deepen our relationship with one another (Gould, 2024).

  • Try working with a therapist to understand more about yourself and associated triggers and ways of dealing with specific emotions and behaviours to overcome avoidant attachment styles. Exploring online therapy options such as BetterHelp you are able to access professional help tailored to your needs from anywhere around the world. 


How to Support and Love an ‘Avoidant’ Partner


Although navigating my attachment style has largely been a personal journey, it is crucial to work closely with romantic partners to explore why we feel and react to certain triggers, and to identify how they can best support us in building secure attachments. With this in mind, I asked my partner to share what he has learned whilst navigating this dynamic with me, as I believe it could be helpful for others in similar situations.


  • Understanding your own attachment style can improve mutual understanding in a relationship. It is important to remember that having a different attachment style from your partner doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. It simply requires a bit more empathy and a conscious effort to avoid judgment when your partner reacts differently to certain situations (The Attachment Project, 2020) 

  • Do not force an avoidant partner to open up as pushing a partner who may need space and emotional boundaries in that moment will likely cause them to resist more. Working to tailor both love and intimacy towards an ‘avoidant’ person’s unique needs can allow them to feel more secure within the relationship so, for example, allowing them to express their feeling in a non-invasive way such as when making their favourite meal or watching something you both enjoy can really help (The Attachment Project, 2020) 

  • Reinforce partnership and consistency by regularly reminding them, through both words and actions, that they are not alone and that you are on the same team

  • Show genuine curiosity about their past by taking time to understand how earlier experiences shaped their attachment patterns, even if it means having difficult but important conversations

  • Work to create a safe and reassuring environment through spending intentional quality time together that fosters warmth, playfulness, and affection, helping your partner feel genuinely loved and secure


Conclusion


Furthermore, whilst this blog is largely focused on avoidant attachment styles specifically, the main takeaway is that it is important to ask yourself difficult questions as to why you may feel specific emotions or why you react to situations in a particular way, regardless of how unnatural and scary they may be. 


If you take a step back and notice similar patterns across the types of partners you are attracting as well as patterns across your behaviour within romantic relationships, specifically within the areas of conflict resolution and intimacy, then you should definitely explore different attachment styles and attachment theory in greater detail as simply being aware of certain tendencies is the first step towards healing. 


I hope this blog has allowed you to understand avoidant attachment styles in further detail but also, for the fellow eldest daughters who are reading this, I hope you feel seen and heard and I hope you take my own personal journey with childhood trauma and navigating an avoidant attachment style as hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and a reminder that who we are today does not have to be shaped entirely by the responsibilities and expectations tied to our birth order. 


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This article was written by Riya Verma and edited by Clarise Castleman, with graphics produced by Neave Smith. If you enjoyed this article, be the first to be notified about new posts by signing up to become a WiNUK member (top right of this page)! Interested in writing for WiNUK yourself? Contact us through the blog page and the editors will be in touch.

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